Fear Of The Push

So this week after not so great a commitment to the gym or eating right, my waist is the exact same as it was two weeks ago, 48.5 inches. Yes the "push." I won't complain considering my best gym day was Monday when I lifted in the morning and swam my butt off in the evening. I don't even know what my best eating day was, it may have been Monday. I did start lifting heavier this week, so that's the positive affirmation for my efforts this week.

I don't have a lot of time to post tonight, but I'm going to continue to talk about something that impacts everyone, fear. I'm going to re read what I say here tonight and continue on with it next week, and perhaps for many weeks after.

This weeks fear manifested itself in an e-mail I received from my assistant principal, needing to talk with me in the afternoon, after school. I saw that the principal had been cc'd on said e-mail. I was full of dread, because I know they were going to talk to me about something regarding my job performance. You see, I'm a really good teacher, but I'm not that great of a secretary/clerical specialist. Needless to say they see this as a lack of organization. Unfortunately for this career admin skills are considered critical. A teacher isn't really rated for their teaching ability, but more for their organizational ability. I'll talk more about this in another post. This is not an educational rant. So the short of it is I expected this to be a talk listing my organizational deficiencies, and because of such I'll be fired. You see if I'm fired then I'll be going back to where I was, jobless and broke, only this time in a terrible economy. I would not recover, and life would suck forever! You see with that mindset confidence in myself is completely negated. more about that later.

So anyway I kept eyeing the clock with dread, until 2:50. I thought I would pre-empt my principal by going to the assistant principals office immediately after school, because I knew my principal would be doing afternoon dismissal. Divide and conquer. Anyway my assistant principal was not prepared for my tactic and proceeded with the meeting. She wanted to know how I felt about self containing next year. For those of you unfamiliar it simply means that instead of teaching just science, I'll be teaching ALL of my homeroom students ALL of their subjects. That's right mom and Jen, I'll be teaching math! So I'm on board with this, and have been since the beginning of the year when I was telling my 5th grade department head that the direction elementary 5th grade in our district was to self contain. I could see this in the same way you look down a railroad track and see a distant light of a train getting closer and closer. Well this self containment train hasn't pulled into the station yet, but it's about to.

Well my AP who is an organizational guru, (I'm convinced somewhere in her office are MY educational records, long before she even knew me), is concerned that though I have made strong headway in my organizational skills, said skills may not be strong enough for the requirements ahead. I think she was trying to scare me off, but to my credit I know I can do this. Well the meeting ends with her letting me know that the principal would also like to talk with me. Yikes. In my mind this meeting was meant to soften the blow from when the principal would drop the axe on my head.

I left, but had to come back to the office to sign out for an appointment. In doing so I heard my AP and the principal talking. All I heard was her saying "he's confident about the self containing, but I don't share his confidence," then some garble, and then "discovery science." I left to go to the bathroom, and came back to the office. I saw my principal and thought, let's get this over with. So I asked if he needed to speak with me, and he said yes, but it would wait until tomorrow, because he wanted to talk with me about possibilities for next year. Yeah the possibility that I would be looking for new work next year. I proceeded to head to my therapists appointment. On the way I spoke with three friends, all women. Alison because she's a teacher, Jen because she has supervised people before, and has had to make staff changes, and my friend Melissa, who works in the school, and seems to know EVERYTHING going on there.

My therapist, Alison, Jen and Melissa said I didn't need to fear being fired, (yeah right). Each stated that based on their own reasoning. I have a pretty good intuitive mind, and I'm able to piece things together, it's from reading a lot of detective novels. I remembered hearing science discovery mentioned. This is a class that is taught to all of the grades in the same way music, p.e., and art are taught. It is to enrich students science experience. The great thing is that the class is largely fun and hands on. There isn't any real grading, no high stakes testing, no parents to deal with, and you get paid the same as a teacher. Hmmmm.

I put this theory past Jen and Melissa. Jen thought it might be valid, and maybe I'm destined to teach science. Melissa teaches across from science discovery, and true what I said earlier about her having her ear to the ground, stated that the teacher presently there may not be enjoying it as much as we think, and that she is pretty stressed out. I thought to myself that maybe since this teacher taught 4th grade self contained for a long time, then perhaps my principal wanted to plug her into my 5th grade spot, so as to utilize her experience, and plug me into the science discovery.

Well the next day I see the Principal. He's very complimentary about the progress I'e made, and he's very happy that I'm so enthusiastic about self containing, and the confidence I can do it. The possibility he wanted to, and did discuss with me for next year, me and the science discovery teacher switching spots next year. Melissa and I "nailed it." Though it isn't even close to a done deal yet, I said yes, my principal never saw me smile inwardly just once.

So what does the above story have to do with the theme of fear throughout my life. The short answer is that it has never been as big as I thought it was. More on that later.

On a positive note, I became an uncle this week. My step sister Alecia, and her husband Jeff welcomed their son, Harvey Rogue Fryman to the world at 12:58 p.m. CST on February 29th 2012. He is an awesome baby boy. He is very alert and looks at everything. There is a great pic of him being held by my mother, now known as Nana Judy. They are looking directly at each other, the look on his face is processing who this "one" is. The look on my moms face is priceless. I'll share the origin of Rogue's name later, as explained to me by his dad. It's pretty cool.

Best regards,

Dave

Fear, Loathing, and Recommitting to "The Process"

Ok, so I didn't tape myself yesterday. I chose not to because I was afraid of having pushed, or worse, gaining more width that I'd already lost. My week was less than exemplary. The gym was not significant enough to warrant a loss. I need cardio, and I know intuitively that it didn't occur.

However I do know that there was a fair amount of crap eating, starting with Tuesday which is known in Mardi Gras parlance as Fat Tuesday. Not hard to figure out why considering the number of muffaleta sandwiches I ate generously. Or the intimate relationship I developed with a bag of Doritos in our grade level workroom.

You see I know where I am on this journey right now. I've lost interest in the process, because its not going according to my schedule, and I haven't been doing the things necessary this week to make this happen, like cardio. And the thing is I know I need the exercise, because after a day of teaching 5th graders the best thing for me to do is go to that gym and hit it. I come out feeling better and more energized. So to get back to the point I've got to regain interest in the process NOW!

So I commit to getting up and dusting myself off and start again, learning from the past, but not wallowing in it, and moving forward. Tomorrow morning the gym, lot's of weights, tomorrow night is cardio. And I eat the food I prepared myself, not anything else. I control what goes in. I make the choices that benefit me, and not harm me. And I simply move forward. New day tomorrow, but the process continues.

Okay enough platitudes.

I think that's it for now. Until next week, when we'll find out the strength of said platitudes.

I'll end this on two positive notes, my sister Stacey has lost over 30 lbs since she had the lap band surgery done last month. You go Stace, awesome job!

The other positive note is that my step sister Alecia Fryman and her husband Jeff are expecting the arrival of their baby boy, no later than the end of this week. When I post again next week Alecia and Jeff will be parents to a healthy baby boy, and their new journey as a family will begin. My mom and step father will be grandparents. I'm excited for my mom to become nana Judy. Stacey will be an aunt, and I'll be uncle Dave. Yeah that makes me smile!

Best regards.

Attack Of The Giant Reese's Peanut Butter Heart

So in my last post I mentioned how eating several hundred calories worth of potato chips could have been a leading factor in my "push" last week. Considering the events of this past week, I would say at best that theory is a weak maybe. You see this week I lost another 1/4 inch around my waist. I am now at 48.5 inches in circumference. Not bad and it is forward progression, and also nothing is orbiting me.

So this week we had our obligatory Valentines Day party at school. I really don't like this "holiday" on so many levels, and no it's not because I'm single. No it's just another artificially induced way to help us part with hard earned cash in ways that we wouldn't do the rest of the year, save for Christmas, Mother's Day, Father's Day, and any other "holiday" by which there is a sale attached to it, oh wait that's all of them. And G-d forbid if you're a guy in a relationship, and attempt the above logic on the female of the species whom you are seeing. You're screwed and not in a good way. Anyway Valentines is like the others mentioned, who's real saving grace makes me appreciate Thanksgiving so much more. Btw way did you know that Valentines is a derivative of a Roman (the guys that killed St. Valentine btw), holiday called Lupercallia. One of the traditions of said holiday was that attractive Roman women, scantilly clothed, would run up streets trying to avoid being whipped by some freak show dressed as a wolf. Not kidding, however if we did that, then Thanksgiving might become my second favorite holiday. Alright anti holiday rant off.

Valentines at the elementary level is kind of like Halloween, except no cool costumes, but a definite elevated drama level if you don't get that special Valentine from that special someone. I know we're talking 5th grade here. I had one boy make this giant Valentine for one of our girls he liked. She cleaned up because he gave her a box of candy and a teddy bear. He got a thank you and a Spongebob Squarepants Valentine from her. True story and a slight disparity if you ask me, however our young man will hopefully learn not to gift girls this way, unless the feelings are mutual. So this is one of the whammies of this "holiday."

Alright I know some of you didn't want to sift through all of that just for this. We have the kids bring in food. All of it is CRAP! Chips, dip, cookies, brownies, cupcakes, and sugary "fruit" drinks. And people wonder why there is a rise in childhood diabetes, or there is an obesity epidemic with children. The reason is because we as adults don't put a restraint on this. I tried in that I made some of the "chip" choices be Sun Chips, and pretzels. What I would like to see for next year is that we collect a dollar from each student. Half would be spent on our Christmas Party, and half on Valentines. The food choices would be fruit plates, pretzels, baked potato chips, perhaps cheese, and real orange juice, with maybe ONE mini holiday cupcake for each child. I just think this is a whole lot more responsible, than assigning each child to bring an item of questionable health value.

So how does this tie in to my loss of a 1/4 inch. Well as a teacher sometimes students give you awesome gifts. One of mine gave me a giant Reeses Peanut Butter Cup Heart. It was 720 calories of pure peanut buttery chocolate goodness. Another student gave me a Ghiradelli chocolate bar with crushed almond, that had a hint of sea salt. Absolutely delicious! Oh and my girl scout cookies came in, and I ate quite a few peanut butter Do Si Dos, my favorites. So after eating this great wall of junk I still lost 1/4 inch around my waist. Now I did eat healthy for most of my other meals, and I did much more dedicated cardio, the majority of it being swimming. I only lifted once, and that was on Friday night, after having left school at 7:30. Perhaps St. Valentine bestowed to me a Valentines miracle in the loss of that 1/4 inch, for having showed extraordinary dedication by going to the gym on Friday night. Huh jokes on him, as I really didn't have anything better to do, but thanks, cuz I'll take a loss however I can get it.

St. Valentine ROCKS!

Best regards.

A Big Push No Where?

So the positive. My workouts were good, though I only had two "twofers" ( a morning and evening workout ). Weight training was good. I learned that I can burn through a complete all body workout doing three complete 12 weight training exercise circuits, and two core/ab 5 exercise circuits in 45 minutes. We are talking minimal rest, almost going straight from one exercise to another, almost like super setting. Put another way I did 600 repetitions of exercise in 45 minutes. Mind you that factors in exercises like forearm curls, tricep extentions, and bicep curls, since each arm will do an equal amount of repetitions as the other. My heart rate was up.

I also made it a point to try to eat no carbs that consisted of white flour, or even wheat for that matter. Largely successful, save for some potato chips that I ate over the course of this past week.

Now the not so positive, I "pushed" this week in my waist measurements. Meaning I'm still at 48.75" inches as I was last week. Didn't gain any back but didn't lose any either. This is disheartening because I thought by going without bread products combined with exercise I would have lost between .66" to .75", and thus catching up or completely maintaining my average of .5" lost per week. As February stands I am now .75 inches behind this goal, having lost only .25 inches since the 4th.

Still in this endeavor it is important to look at this push positively. I didn't gain anything back, and I can maintain forward progress. As I tell my students when they are learning to shoot, stay focussed on the process of shooting and not the outcome. If you expect to hit a bullseye, but you aren't working the process, you'll be disappointed with the outcome. Likewise if you're tearing up the bullseye, but lose focus for one of your shots and miss the bullseye, there is but one thing to do, learn from your error, move on, (because you can't call, a mulligan recall the bullet back into the gun, and re shoot), and shoot to the best of your ability for the follow up shots, by working the process. Doing the latter, the outcome will likely solve itself.

So really I can only learn and work the process. Did those 500 calories of potato chips, (over 6 days) derail my efforts? Was there an overall reduction in calories because I wasn't eating any grain based products, and was my body just adjusting to this "change?" Was I not getting enough sleep this past week? Was my weight workout too fast? Did I not do enough non circuit training cardio? Is my body simply taking a break after shedding 2.25" from around my waist over the last six weeks? Honestly I don't know the answers to most of these questions. Obviously some things I can factor in and adjust for.

In the end I can only work my process and do mostly everything right, control what I can control, (can't really control if my body decides it needs a bit of a break from losing inches), and keep "pushing" forward, knowing with confidence that at some point I will achieve my goals of total inches lost around the waist, and better physical and emotional health. To do that I have to stay present in the moment, and "work the process" and let the outcome solve itself.

Best regards.

The Mediocre Bowl

Okay first things first. My workouts this week were good, but not stupendous. I did like Fridays, because I burned through my weight training circuit fast, about 45 minutes. Heart rate was definately UP. I am going to do the same thing again tomorrow.

So I lost a 1/4 inch around my waist, for a total of 2.25 inches lost since the beginning of January. I'm now at 48.75 inches around my waist. I'm happy that I did this despite my less than stellar eating schedule. This week was slightly "pizza heavy" i.e. too many white flour carbs. My stated goal is to lose 2 inches every 4 weeks, so an average of a 1/2 inch per week. Over the next three weeks I'll have to lose more than 1/2 an inch a week to maintain that goal.

So this week I don't plan to eat any wheat/flour based carbs, so no bread, pasta etc. My "diet" will be lean meats, low fat dairy, nuts, fruits, and vegetables. I'll be interested to see what happens next Saturday morning. By the way one other thing I'd like to mention. Since I've started this I have NOT counted any calories. I'm really relying on my ability to make largely good food choices, though it seems I'm still losing inches around my waist despite eating "clean" foods perhaps a little over 60% on average, versus my stated goal of 90%. This week I will aim for that 90%. I'm very interested in the results of next Saturdays "taping", after 5 days of being all in on my eating and exercise program.

So rant time. Just finished watching the Superbowl. The New England Patriots with a regular season 13-3 record, vs. the New York Giants with a regular season record of 9-7. The latter was the wildcard team. So many of you have heard me rant about this before but it absolutely pisses me off that a wild card team can squeak into the playoffs with single digit wins and play well enough to win 3 playoff games on the road and the Superbowl. I am not convinced we are seeing the BEST teams play. That is my point. I would have preferred that the Patriots had won, but if they were going to lose at least lose to a team such as the San Francisco 49'ers that had a 13-3 season. To me in my non nuanced understanding of the game we are looking at numbers. Numbers tell us who won the game, (team with the most points). So to me in football the regular season has to count. In the present system a team could possibly have a losing record, (say 7-9), and still win their division and possibly make it into a wildcard slot, win three more away games, and then take the Supebowl, say against a team that had a 12+ win season. I am not convinced as a fan, that the BEST teams, the ones with what I would say have at least a 10-6 season, are fairly being represented. So I would like to propose a few rule changes.

1.) Any team eligible for the playoffs must have a minimum of a 10-6 regular season wins, thus this becomes the minimum number to be the wildcard. If your team has less than this number, well your season is over, thank you for playing, we'll see you next year.

Some have said to me that the above isn't "fair" because some teams have harder schedules than others. Someone told me that the Patriots wins this season, came from teams that were below .500 in wins for their season. To this I say SO. It's not like the Patriots asked to play against these teams. They had the same opportunity to have better records, but blew it. Man up and play football, and get your wins.

2.) It should take a monumental effort for the wildcard team to go all the way and win the Superbowl. More than just playing 3 playoff games on the road. The difficulty for a 10-6 wildcard team should be palpable. Preference for advance should be given to the teams that have had a better record in the regular season "Any given Sunday" in the regular season is okay, but in the playoffs it is too random. So here are a couple of rules that wildcard teams advancing through the playoffs should have to abide by:

a.) On ALL 4th down plays they must go for the down, or a touch down. They are not allowed to punt. This rule gets really dicey for said wildcard team if they blow a 4th down, and are DEEP in their own territory. This rule remains in affect throughout the playoffs, but not the Superbowl.

b.) If they make it to the Superbowl then the above rule is replaced with the following rule, the wildcard team can ONLY score through touchdowns, and punting for the extra point. They are not allowed to kick field goals for 3 points at all.

c.) These rules are only for wildcard teams with a 10-6 regular season record, but become null en void if two teams are equally matched in regular season wins, say within a 1 game difference in wins during the regular season.

To me these crippling rules will almost guarantee that a wild card team will be knocked out early on, leaving the teams with solid double digit wins in the regular season to move on, thus assuring fans that they are seeing the best teams in the league compete, and one of them becoming the BEST by winning the Superbowl.

However if a wildcard team overcomes the playoff games on the road with the 4th down rule, and overcomes their Superbowl opponent, despite not being able to kick field goals, and scoring solely through touch downs, and extra point kicks, then too me that is a true David vs Goliath story, and despite all of those obstacles, that perhaps this wildcard team is the BEST in the league. As a fan I it would be easier to root for an underdog wild card team in the Superbowl. I think these rules changes would preserve the integrity of the game, make the regular season mean more, an almost guarantee to the fans that the trully best teams are being represented in the playoffs and the Superbowl.

I suppose if I was relying on pro football as a source of income, thus the more teams in the playoffs, the better, then I probably don't like these ideas. NFL are you listening?

Rant off, until next week.

You're In The Army Now!

So here it is Sunday 1/29/12. This is really the record. The month of January 2012 has as many posts, as were made in 2009. Another milestone has been reached. Speaking of milestones I was successful with my goal of two inches every four weeks. On Saturday morning, (yesterday) I was down another 1/2 inch, which brought my total number of inches around my waist lost at well two inches. My waist is now 49 inches in circumference, (that's me on the left, tell me if you notice a difference). Or put another way, the height of the little person around my waist id now only 4 feet, 1 inch. I think a goal is to have the circumference of my waist to equal half of my height. Since I'm 5 feet, 7.5 inches tall, (67.5 inches), I would like my waist to be 33 inches. A worthy goal, considering that when I left Army basic training back in December of 1986 I weighed 170lbs, (down from 193lbs) had a 34 inch waist and I was 19 years old.

One has to be careful with that comparison. Even though the Army taught some good habits that I've stuck with haphazardly, It's not the end all be all of fitness. We ate A LOT of food, I'd say the better part of 3000 to 4000 calories daily, if not more. And we ran, almost daily. The other things we did were mostly calisthenics, and basic conditioning exercises, like PUSH UPS jumping jacks, (the Army calls the latter side straddle hops), squat thrusts, sit ups, leg lifts. We also did a lot of walking with lots of gear. We did a road march at night from one bivouac sight to another, wearing full gear, at a speed pace. We covered 12 miles in less than 3 hours. As a short guy in the rear I did not appreciate the tall guys in the front stepping it out beyond the authorized 30 inch steps we're all supposed to be taking. Yeah right!

So what I'm saying is that in during basic we did LOTS of cardio. There was not a muscle building component. We did not have access to a weight room, and even if we did we wouldn't have had enough calories to build muscle. With all of the cardio and conditioning we were doing, just to add muscle we would have needed to double our caloric intake at the very least. Believe it or not muscle bound guys are not what the Army is looking for at least not basic. Any body builders who had come to basic because of the restricted calories, and the emphasis on cardio and body weight conditioning they would have lost muscle as well as any fat.

You see in my MOS, (military occupational specialty), which was infantry, they wanted us lean and tone, and not "weighed down" by too much bulk, be it fat or muscle. Though I hate to make the comparison, but physically they wanted us to be more like Mel Gibsons character from Lethal Weapon, as in toned and defined with little fat. If you've seen Lethal Weapon, or even Lethal Weapon 2 you might understand some of the scenes I'm referencing.

In some ways what I started out to do with this post is to debunk the idea that perhaps for me a 33 inch waist is unattainable. My point to this is that now at 44 years old I know far more about nutrition then I did at 19. My diet now consists of mostly limited amounts of whole wheat carbohydrates, fruits, vegetables, and lean meats. Had I known just to do that in basic, (limiting my bread/white flour carbohydrate intake), then perhaps I would have left basic training weighing 160lbs, with a 32 inch waist. And maybe I would have been spared one of drill sergeant Hinson's last remarks, after successfully completing my last physical training test, by which he stated, "damn Brown, after all this and you still have a bit of a gut!" Interesting what sticks with you, even 25 years later. He and drill sergeant Gibbs either left the Army awhile back, or if they've stuck it out, then they've got well over 30+years in, and are probably about to retire as command sergeant majors. Just reflecting a little.

Until next week.

My "Cheating" Heart And Mouth

So actually I think this post represents my record number of posts in a row on this blog, the grand total of four continuous posts. I think that was my total in 2009 or 2010. I'll fact check that later.

Well this week, where to start. Oh yes I was "successful." I completed 3 days where I went to the gym twice, and 5 days where I went to the gym daily. I lifted three times this week. Thank G-d! My other "success" was when I taped the circumference of my waist. I lost another 1/4th of an inch, to bring my three week total to 1.5 inches lost. I should be happy, as my stated goal was to lose 2 inches around my waist every 4 weeks. I am maintaining that. However as I reflect on the amount of working out I did versus the poor food choices I made, that number could have been more. If I was lucky I ate well about 60% of the time last week. A far cry from the stated goal of 90% of the time.

I'm happy to have still lost, but the effort to do so was clearly sabotaged because I didn't stop cheating last Saturday night. It carried over into Sunday, (twice), Monday, and probably Wednesday, Thursday, and Friday. Here's a sampling of my diet for those days.

Saturday: The biggest sandwich they have at Jimmy Johns with a Coke, and a bag of chips. Now to my credit I ate this sandwich over the course of 5 hours while at my part time job. Later on that night I stop at this barbecue place called Bone Daddy's and had the pulled pork sliders (4), with fries, and 2 very large Sprites.

Sunday: I ate breakfast with my friend Melissa, and her husband Shane. I ate a HUGE apple pancake, a specialty of the Original Pancake House chain.

Monday: Tried out a place called Big Racks or Large Racks. They serve racks of ribs, and I believe it's a play on words in that the female waitstaff is supposed also be sporting "big

racks." Not so much. I guess "Big Bedonkadonk", or "Sweet Buns" wouldn't have had the same ring. Anyway while there I destroyed the half rack of 8 ribs, with onion rings, and rosemary mashed potatoes, and two large cups of root beer.

The rest of the week involved eating foods at school I shouldn't be eating, such as a sleeve of Girl Scout Doe Si Doe peanut butter cookies, 10 cookies at 75 calories each. Or indulging in the various soups, stews, and rolls the PTA had prepared for us for lunch on Friday.

And through all that combined with a record workout regimen I still lost 1/4th of an inch from my waist. I am grateful but I need to remind myself that I was not "all in" this past week. At least as far as the food goes. Workout wise I am quite happy with myself. However I really should have limited my "cheating" to two, maybe even three of the aforementioned meals. So the point is that I know myself, and I know what I must do, however knowing and doing may not go hand and hand, but being "all in" for my personal transformation requires that they jibe with one another. I know there are going to be times when my waist will not have registered a loss, however I want to be able to reflect back on those weeks, and KNOW that I was all in with my eating, and my working out, and that despite myself I did my best. I don't want to produce another list of meals like the above, as a causation as to why I wasn't successful that week. Lesson learned? I'm inclined to say yes, however the proof will be in the pudding, when I measure myself next week.

So enough of me. My sister Stacey had lap band surgery done a couple of weeks ago. I am proud to say that she has lost 22 pounds so far, since I spoke to her about it this past week. I'm very proud of her. Keep good thoughts going out to her as she continues on her journey. Good job Stace. I can't wait to see less of you in May.

So my mother recently bought a car. A dark blue Dodge Charger with a Hemi V8. Like a 65 year old, soon to be retired woman needs that! She took me for a ride. It's like a planes cockpit for her. She can just see over the dash. The ride was pretty cool, just up and back along I35 in Lewisville Texas. She is NOT afraid to hit the gas pedal. Still she's a pretty good driver, unlike my dad who is downright terrifying behind the wheel! I think given some time it's only a matter of time before she is racing Camaros, Challengers, and Mustangs, as well as some of the higher speed European and Japanese cars. Just stay out of her way, you've been warned.

I think that's it for tonight. I'm hearing the siren song of prepping for tomorrow, and going to sleep.

Best regards.