So about ten months ago I became Facebook friends with my former fiance. I kind of had an idea that this would occur eventually, for a couple of reasons, not the least of which was the aformentioned tarot card reader from Quincy Massachusetts, referenced in a previous post. She had mentioned that at some point the woman that I recently had a major romantic relationship would re-appear in my life. The second reason is probably more solid. A friend of mine that I grew up with, is and continues to be her brother in law, and he's a mutual Facebook friend. For awhile this arrangement was a little complicated, more so 20 years ago, than in the present. I'm really not going to go into why or how that came to be, maybe later but not now.
I remember seeing the friend request. I did not hesitate to say yes, and shortly there after we were communicating via messenger. Of course there was awkwardness, "can't believe we are talking after all of these years" and other such things, but we moved past that and sort of filled each other in on our present. I know details and context about our past relationship would be helpful, but I'm not really ready to discuss them now. I'm not hurt, or sensitive about it, but out of respect for our mutual privacy. I will say that I wasn't mature enough at the time, and that our relationship was volatile, and in the end I was the one who chose to end it. Still ending it hurt, and she moved on, at the time I perceived it as too quickly, but there were things on her end that I didn't know about, and that 20 years later I would learn from her.
That is the main point, some things I've learned, and maybe things I wish I knew over 20+ years ago. How I wish that I'd known that the coolness by which she handled the day after so to speak was concealing a deep hurt. I didn't know. I knew then that I needed some space between us, and moved to Texas for a time. Still I felt a strong hurt, when seven months after our relationship ended, she was moving out to California, with her new boyfriend at the time, (now her husband of 20 years, with two children, I am genuinely very happy for them). You see I pride myself on being sensitive, but in truth I can be very sensitive to my own hurts, and not always have the same sensitivity to others. Sadly in the past my mode has been to go into immediate judgment, while addressing my own wounds. It never occurred to me that she might have needed to leave Massachusetts for awhile, after a three year relationship with me, creating some space. No, going out to California, with her new boyfriend wasn't about her healing, it was about her hurting me, or at least that's what I thought. Perhaps there was a component of revenge, we're all human after all.
As stated, I've learned more about her in the last ten months than in the 3 years we were together. I know this is minute, but I learned that she likes science fiction. I like science fiction! However in the three years we were together it never came up. Her favorite go to movie is Jaws. Again I was engaged to this person, and I didn't know these things. They might sound trivial, but it occurs to me that these are details I should have been aware of. I asked her recently how come I didn't know these things, and her response was to the point, "you never asked." It occurs to me in hindsight that maybe with certain details, that on my end I wasn't present enough. I remember feeling bogged down about how we were to pay for a wedding, and what "the plan" was.
I don't think that knowing these things would have made an amazing difference in our relationships outcome, however in my heart I think our relationship was meant to help her and her husband to come together, a catalyst if you will. As mentioned they have been married for over 20 years, have two sons, and i have to believe have built a great life together. And I'm extremely happy for them. As I've mentioned in previous posts, "the universe is self correcting," I truly believe that this is one of those times.
My intent going forward is to express gratitude for these lessons, and to expand my sensitivity away from myself, and towards others. I know it sounds cliche'd but to be present and aware. For now, so goes another day on the path. Namaste.
Monday, May 29, 2017
Wednesday, May 17, 2017
Of Redemption, Kindness, Acceptance, and Jedi Mind Tricks
Before I hit the main topic, I wanted to address something from one of my posts regarding integrity and trust, In said post I mentioned a lot of crucial and critical things that I wasn't really good at, honesty being one of them. I will say I still struggle with this because it's not who I want to be for myself. However as I read through I noticed a lot of judgement and criticism leveled at myself.
There are a lot of things I been in the past, good, and bad, (the VAST majority of bad with a small b). However I find now that self criticism is generally not self serving, just the opposite. Today I choose growth mindset, today I choose now. The latter being a play on words from Ekharte Tolle's "The Power Of Now." The latter is really the first book on spirituality that I read, based on the recommendation of my first spiritual "teacher," Ken Goldberg. A little history about this guy. He owned DFW Gun Range in the late 90's early 2000's. He was into drugs, alcohol, and strippers, not quite in that order. He sold the business and would ultimately make his way out to Tuscon Arizona, where he would meet and befriend a Buddhist monk, which would ultimately lead to walking meditations in the mountains, sitting meditations in the temple, through the practice of mindfulness, and loving kindness. The process changed him, and when I saw him again in Dallas, I saw just how powerful a change it was. Don't get me wrong Ken wasn't transformed from who he was, that was still there, but he was aware, and he was different, in a very positive and profound way, an acceptance of who he was/is, embracing loving kindness and wisdom. It's one thing to read about this, but very different from experiencing up close. Experiencing this lesson courtesy of the Universe, presented me with another path forward
I started to meditate mindfully, sporadic at first, inconsistent. However I do it without judgement towards myself, and attempt strongly to be present to kindness, compassion, and equanimity for myself, and others. I don't do it long, generally 20 minutes a day 4-5 days a week. Twenty minutes is not a long time, but trying to stay focused to the "Now" and/or breath for that long without the mind drifting is difficult, and as it should be. The mind likes to think, ABOUT everything. The mind does not like awkward silences, and more likely than not it prefers to drift in what many of the modern day mindfulness teachers call "monkey mind."
No Jedi Knight here. I have a long way to go, but one of the benefits I've experienced from this practice is the acceptance of my past. I use to have a lot of questions/regrets about my past. Now for most of the questions I realize they don't matter. There is really no satisfactory answer. The best to do is to acknowledge them, hopefully learn, and like when a thought drifts into your head during meditation, acknowledge it and like a cloud in the sky, let it drift by without judgment. So for purposes of integrity, it's far easier to type what I just said to do, than to actually do it. But I acknowledge the latter, with no criticism. no judgement. However just that much is a source of comfort. For me mindful meditation, with an emphasis on loving kindness is really the antidote of trying to fix myself, then, or in some future. It is really about focusing and paying attention to what I can do in this moment.
All that said, and my intention for this post was to talk about my foray into the healing career of massage therapy, maybe next time. Namaste.
There are a lot of things I been in the past, good, and bad, (the VAST majority of bad with a small b). However I find now that self criticism is generally not self serving, just the opposite. Today I choose growth mindset, today I choose now. The latter being a play on words from Ekharte Tolle's "The Power Of Now." The latter is really the first book on spirituality that I read, based on the recommendation of my first spiritual "teacher," Ken Goldberg. A little history about this guy. He owned DFW Gun Range in the late 90's early 2000's. He was into drugs, alcohol, and strippers, not quite in that order. He sold the business and would ultimately make his way out to Tuscon Arizona, where he would meet and befriend a Buddhist monk, which would ultimately lead to walking meditations in the mountains, sitting meditations in the temple, through the practice of mindfulness, and loving kindness. The process changed him, and when I saw him again in Dallas, I saw just how powerful a change it was. Don't get me wrong Ken wasn't transformed from who he was, that was still there, but he was aware, and he was different, in a very positive and profound way, an acceptance of who he was/is, embracing loving kindness and wisdom. It's one thing to read about this, but very different from experiencing up close. Experiencing this lesson courtesy of the Universe, presented me with another path forward
I started to meditate mindfully, sporadic at first, inconsistent. However I do it without judgement towards myself, and attempt strongly to be present to kindness, compassion, and equanimity for myself, and others. I don't do it long, generally 20 minutes a day 4-5 days a week. Twenty minutes is not a long time, but trying to stay focused to the "Now" and/or breath for that long without the mind drifting is difficult, and as it should be. The mind likes to think, ABOUT everything. The mind does not like awkward silences, and more likely than not it prefers to drift in what many of the modern day mindfulness teachers call "monkey mind."
No Jedi Knight here. I have a long way to go, but one of the benefits I've experienced from this practice is the acceptance of my past. I use to have a lot of questions/regrets about my past. Now for most of the questions I realize they don't matter. There is really no satisfactory answer. The best to do is to acknowledge them, hopefully learn, and like when a thought drifts into your head during meditation, acknowledge it and like a cloud in the sky, let it drift by without judgment. So for purposes of integrity, it's far easier to type what I just said to do, than to actually do it. But I acknowledge the latter, with no criticism. no judgement. However just that much is a source of comfort. For me mindful meditation, with an emphasis on loving kindness is really the antidote of trying to fix myself, then, or in some future. It is really about focusing and paying attention to what I can do in this moment.
All that said, and my intention for this post was to talk about my foray into the healing career of massage therapy, maybe next time. Namaste.
Sunday, May 7, 2017
Start, Stop, Start, Stop, Start
My blog has lain dormant for over 5 years. Prior to that it stayed quiet for two years. So perhaps a smidge of an update is in order. Here goes.
I left teaching in June 2014, and I left Texas over 2 years later in August 2016, after living there for over 17 years. In the interim I've been and still am an Uber driver, (how 21st Century), and am presently attending massage therapy school, fulfilling a destiny of a healer, foretold by a tarot card reader in Quincy Massachusetts 20 years ago. You laugh, (or snicker, or eye roll), but she told me quite a few things that have come to fruition. She was on point. More later.
I live in Arlington Virginia. I occupy a well furnished basement of the rather large house of close friends of mine. I know what you're thinking, and I to initially had trepidation about this arrangement in the past, in fact I resisted their generous offer for nearly two years. I had been living by myself for a long time, use to my own ways and habits, now I would be sharing living space with others. How would it work out? How might it impact our friendship? Furthermore what did it say about me, and my own situation, being in my late 40's, unmarried, and living with friends? It was six months after leaving teaching that my friend Jen, along with her husband Ryan asked me to consider moving there. In my head, with the latter two questions I stubbornly refused. But the universe is self correcting, and it wants what it wants, and it to has ways.
I had taken a job with a firearms retailer in the Spring of 2015, while doing Uber. The retailer, which will not be named, is an entity out of California. I was to be one of their concealed handgun instructors, as well as sell firearms and related accessories. I thought it might be a good fit considering my background. I was working with people whom I worked with at DFW Gun Range a decade earlier. The band was back together. There were guys from Texas that I never worked with, but were quite cool. There were staff from California, and a couple of them were cool. Unfortunately that's where the fairy tale ends, because the majority of Californians were in management, and were VERY uncool, douchebags really. Personality conflicts arose within months. It got to a point where I dreaded going to work. Of course during this time Jen and Ryan made their offers. I continued to refuse.
During this time I lost contact with a close friend of mine. She lived 45 minutes from me, and as far as friendship, we had been close. I tried repeatedly to call, and text, but rarely did I hear back from her, to the point where over a year had passed, and nothing. The last time we spoke and saw each other was two weeks before my leaving Texas. I remember one of her sons asked if they would ever see me again. The question crushed me. However since that visit, nothing, though to her "credit" I've made no effort to contact. It wasn't like we had an argument of any kind, from my end we faded from very close friends, to acquaintances. It makes me sad. Why do I mention this? Because there was a time in the late 90's that I loved her and thought we could make a life together. So I left Massachusetts in June of 1999 to be closer. Long story short, it didn't come close to happening. However as predicted by the aforementioned tarot card reader, this woman would and did break my heart.
So a year into the dreaded gun store job, Jen ad Ryan became more generously persistent about moving to Virginia. I remember that the last Sunday I worked at the store, my former 4th grade team leader from school came in to the store with her husband close to closing time. I had not seen her in the nearly two years I'd left the school. This was a premonition. I had two days off, and came in on Wednesday, sold over $3,000 worth of firearms in and hour, called into the back office, and fired by the powers that be. I was relieved.
I would proceed to visit Jen and Ryan twice in the next month, and they were more persistent. I came back to Dallas, and upon visiting the top of Reunion Tower for the first time in 17 years, I realized it was time to go. The person whom I really cared about, and uprooted my life for, no longer returned phone calls and texts. My teaching job, for which I'd also moved to Texas for was also nonexistant, and I'd just been fired from the last job I hated. The Universe has its ways.
I spoke with Jen, and finally said yes. I packed up my life, and in August 2017, I said good bye to Texas, and hello to Virginia. I still drive for Uber, and as stated I attend massage therapy school. I share a house with Jen and her husband, their cat, and their 3 year old and 16 month old daughters, both of whom have me wrapped around their little fingers, and the oldest is prone to reminding me that I'm getting older, and will occasionally refer to me a "Dave Sweety." The living arrangement has been a positive one, (for me at least). However, after living by myself for a long time, there is something wonderful about walking in, and upon seeing this three year old, hearing her exclaim loudly, "our Dave is home!"
I left teaching in June 2014, and I left Texas over 2 years later in August 2016, after living there for over 17 years. In the interim I've been and still am an Uber driver, (how 21st Century), and am presently attending massage therapy school, fulfilling a destiny of a healer, foretold by a tarot card reader in Quincy Massachusetts 20 years ago. You laugh, (or snicker, or eye roll), but she told me quite a few things that have come to fruition. She was on point. More later.
I live in Arlington Virginia. I occupy a well furnished basement of the rather large house of close friends of mine. I know what you're thinking, and I to initially had trepidation about this arrangement in the past, in fact I resisted their generous offer for nearly two years. I had been living by myself for a long time, use to my own ways and habits, now I would be sharing living space with others. How would it work out? How might it impact our friendship? Furthermore what did it say about me, and my own situation, being in my late 40's, unmarried, and living with friends? It was six months after leaving teaching that my friend Jen, along with her husband Ryan asked me to consider moving there. In my head, with the latter two questions I stubbornly refused. But the universe is self correcting, and it wants what it wants, and it to has ways.
I had taken a job with a firearms retailer in the Spring of 2015, while doing Uber. The retailer, which will not be named, is an entity out of California. I was to be one of their concealed handgun instructors, as well as sell firearms and related accessories. I thought it might be a good fit considering my background. I was working with people whom I worked with at DFW Gun Range a decade earlier. The band was back together. There were guys from Texas that I never worked with, but were quite cool. There were staff from California, and a couple of them were cool. Unfortunately that's where the fairy tale ends, because the majority of Californians were in management, and were VERY uncool, douchebags really. Personality conflicts arose within months. It got to a point where I dreaded going to work. Of course during this time Jen and Ryan made their offers. I continued to refuse.
During this time I lost contact with a close friend of mine. She lived 45 minutes from me, and as far as friendship, we had been close. I tried repeatedly to call, and text, but rarely did I hear back from her, to the point where over a year had passed, and nothing. The last time we spoke and saw each other was two weeks before my leaving Texas. I remember one of her sons asked if they would ever see me again. The question crushed me. However since that visit, nothing, though to her "credit" I've made no effort to contact. It wasn't like we had an argument of any kind, from my end we faded from very close friends, to acquaintances. It makes me sad. Why do I mention this? Because there was a time in the late 90's that I loved her and thought we could make a life together. So I left Massachusetts in June of 1999 to be closer. Long story short, it didn't come close to happening. However as predicted by the aforementioned tarot card reader, this woman would and did break my heart.
So a year into the dreaded gun store job, Jen ad Ryan became more generously persistent about moving to Virginia. I remember that the last Sunday I worked at the store, my former 4th grade team leader from school came in to the store with her husband close to closing time. I had not seen her in the nearly two years I'd left the school. This was a premonition. I had two days off, and came in on Wednesday, sold over $3,000 worth of firearms in and hour, called into the back office, and fired by the powers that be. I was relieved.
I would proceed to visit Jen and Ryan twice in the next month, and they were more persistent. I came back to Dallas, and upon visiting the top of Reunion Tower for the first time in 17 years, I realized it was time to go. The person whom I really cared about, and uprooted my life for, no longer returned phone calls and texts. My teaching job, for which I'd also moved to Texas for was also nonexistant, and I'd just been fired from the last job I hated. The Universe has its ways.
I spoke with Jen, and finally said yes. I packed up my life, and in August 2017, I said good bye to Texas, and hello to Virginia. I still drive for Uber, and as stated I attend massage therapy school. I share a house with Jen and her husband, their cat, and their 3 year old and 16 month old daughters, both of whom have me wrapped around their little fingers, and the oldest is prone to reminding me that I'm getting older, and will occasionally refer to me a "Dave Sweety." The living arrangement has been a positive one, (for me at least). However, after living by myself for a long time, there is something wonderful about walking in, and upon seeing this three year old, hearing her exclaim loudly, "our Dave is home!"
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