So about ten months ago I became Facebook friends with my former fiance. I kind of had an idea that this would occur eventually, for a couple of reasons, not the least of which was the aformentioned tarot card reader from Quincy Massachusetts, referenced in a previous post. She had mentioned that at some point the woman that I recently had a major romantic relationship would re-appear in my life. The second reason is probably more solid. A friend of mine that I grew up with, is and continues to be her brother in law, and he's a mutual Facebook friend. For awhile this arrangement was a little complicated, more so 20 years ago, than in the present. I'm really not going to go into why or how that came to be, maybe later but not now.
I remember seeing the friend request. I did not hesitate to say yes, and shortly there after we were communicating via messenger. Of course there was awkwardness, "can't believe we are talking after all of these years" and other such things, but we moved past that and sort of filled each other in on our present. I know details and context about our past relationship would be helpful, but I'm not really ready to discuss them now. I'm not hurt, or sensitive about it, but out of respect for our mutual privacy. I will say that I wasn't mature enough at the time, and that our relationship was volatile, and in the end I was the one who chose to end it. Still ending it hurt, and she moved on, at the time I perceived it as too quickly, but there were things on her end that I didn't know about, and that 20 years later I would learn from her.
That is the main point, some things I've learned, and maybe things I wish I knew over 20+ years ago. How I wish that I'd known that the coolness by which she handled the day after so to speak was concealing a deep hurt. I didn't know. I knew then that I needed some space between us, and moved to Texas for a time. Still I felt a strong hurt, when seven months after our relationship ended, she was moving out to California, with her new boyfriend at the time, (now her husband of 20 years, with two children, I am genuinely very happy for them). You see I pride myself on being sensitive, but in truth I can be very sensitive to my own hurts, and not always have the same sensitivity to others. Sadly in the past my mode has been to go into immediate judgment, while addressing my own wounds. It never occurred to me that she might have needed to leave Massachusetts for awhile, after a three year relationship with me, creating some space. No, going out to California, with her new boyfriend wasn't about her healing, it was about her hurting me, or at least that's what I thought. Perhaps there was a component of revenge, we're all human after all.
As stated, I've learned more about her in the last ten months than in the 3 years we were together. I know this is minute, but I learned that she likes science fiction. I like science fiction! However in the three years we were together it never came up. Her favorite go to movie is Jaws. Again I was engaged to this person, and I didn't know these things. They might sound trivial, but it occurs to me that these are details I should have been aware of. I asked her recently how come I didn't know these things, and her response was to the point, "you never asked." It occurs to me in hindsight that maybe with certain details, that on my end I wasn't present enough. I remember feeling bogged down about how we were to pay for a wedding, and what "the plan" was.
I don't think that knowing these things would have made an amazing difference in our relationships outcome, however in my heart I think our relationship was meant to help her and her husband to come together, a catalyst if you will. As mentioned they have been married for over 20 years, have two sons, and i have to believe have built a great life together. And I'm extremely happy for them. As I've mentioned in previous posts, "the universe is self correcting," I truly believe that this is one of those times.
My intent going forward is to express gratitude for these lessons, and to expand my sensitivity away from myself, and towards others. I know it sounds cliche'd but to be present and aware. For now, so goes another day on the path. Namaste.
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