So 48.5" is the number to beat. I am not moving up or down, largely because I'm not moving as much, and my food choices, though hardly terrible, are not light enough to have a positive impact on my waist shredding.
Here's my main problem, just saying "no" to my self indulgence. As I stated to my therapist I don't drink alcohol, don't smoke cigarettes, and I don't do drugs. However I feel that my inability to say "no" to myself in the face of food, and money matters is every bit as self destructive. He stated that it seems like I refuse to invoke my inner parent. Strangely years back I was informed that many of the decisions we make are manifested by the fears that we have/had as a child. Fear of not being loved, not being good enough, smart enough, not having enough money. Fear. So I would say that a fearful 9 year old version of myself continues to make decisions for me.
I definitely no where my inability to say "no" started. I was in the Army fresh out of high school. My first real grown up job. Now as a private in the Army I wasn't making a whole lot of money. Still I never regulated myself. I spent haphazardly, didn't save, didn't say "no." I remember justifying to myself that since I did without as a child, as an adult I would spend my money, (notice I didn't say save), as I saw fit. Though it may have seemed sophisticated to me at the time, it was a choice made by that sad, fearful 9 year old. A nine year old that didn't know to say "no."
I had acquired a $5000 bonus when I had joined the Army. On December 22nd, 1986, my last day of basic training, I received that bonus check, minus taxes, (didn't know my governor and president had enlisted with me). It totaled $3991. It was the MOST money this 19 year old had ever seen. I was actually good about putting it in the bank and not touching it. Over the course of two years I spent almost $2,000 dollars of it. In May of 1988 my mother was moving to Texas to start a new life, and asked if she could borrow the the remaining $2,000 to help start a business, and that it would be paid back with interest. I think it was for Mary Kay. Of course I said yes to the woman who sacrificed and raised me. It would be the last time I ever saw that money. As much as I love my mother I probably should have said "no" to her, but I couldn't because I couldn't say "no" to myself.
A few years ago a friend of mine was able to run a computer simulation for me. I had always wished I'd had the financial insight to invest that nearly $4000 in something like Apple or Microsoft in 1986. My friend was able to simulate this using all of the splits of stock and their increasing value over the years. In 2007 had I invested that money into said stock, (I think it was Apple), that $4000 would be worth over $1000,000 twenty plus years later. Now it's a hypothetical game, and who knows what would have happened between January 1987, and December 2007. Still it's sobering because much of my fear revolves around not having enough money. Imagine sitting on top of that financial nest egg now, especially with Apple stock continuing to rise. By the way, if the previous paragraph sound like I'm condemning my mother for wasting my money, it's not. I also think of how many nice places I could send her to golf. My mother finds true happiness and satisfaction on the golf course. Money spent to keep her on one would be far better spent.
Yet I didn't say "no" to myself enough. That 19 year old had to say "no" more often. As in "no" to spending his Army paycheck, and "yes" to saving more of it. Saying "no" to eating more, (ironically to combat the fear of not having enough money), and "yes" to working out more. Saying "no" to attending a college I couldn't afford, and saying "yes" to myself based on a solid plan that I'd formulated for myself that was financially sound. Here was that plan. Leave the Army, enlist in the National Guard, and enroll in a state school. I would have received my GI Bill benefits, and the National Guard would have paid for my full tuition at a state school. The only thing I would have changed is making Texas my state of residence, and going to school here. Either way I wouldn't have accumulated nearly $60,000 in near crushing debt. I have to say that thanks to my dad, as of 2005 that debt doesn't exist. Still had I said "no" to attending an expensive private university, and said "yes" to my own plan I would have maintained my own adult autonomy, and relied on myself to pay for my education.
I'm not recalling the past in order to mentally beat myself up. There is nothing I can do about the past, save for one thing, learn from it, as someone who purports to like history should do.
For many years I've pursued martial arts, though not really sticking with any, (another story but related to this one). For the longest time I thought that I wanted to learn how to fight, and magically stay free of any pain and fear. The latter two are fantasy, and it's only in the last several years that I grew to understand it, maybe earlier than that, having taken some boxing classes in the 90's, and quickly realizing how slow I was in so many ways. Still the pursuit of martial arts was that pursuit of quiet discipline. I think I'm understanding a little of what that discipline is now. The discipline to say "no" to myself and the happiness and satisfaction that come with it.
Saying "no" to myself is a discipline. With my past experience at not being able to do this consistently, my confidence has ever really grown strong. There have been times where I felt super confident about myself, the period of April 1996 to June of 1998 comes to mind. I was eating right, exercising right, and feeling pretty good. Right until I tore my left anterior cruciated ligament in my left knee. I was on paid medical leave from the Sheriffs department I worked for, and would never go back to. That summer of 1998 I started saying "yes" to eating poorly, when I should have been saying "no."
There is a satisfaction in saying "no" more often than not, with the occasional yes sprinkled in for good measure. I think my friend Melissa demonstrated this, this past week. She wanted a coffee maker called the MoccasMaster. This is the most awesome coffee machine according to her and many a coffee nerd. It is $300. Melissa is great at saving money, but has a difficult time spending money on herself. I do not share this affliction with her. Melissa has the money to purchase this without putting a major dent in her savings account. We hung out on Monday and she bought it. Believe me it was like pulling teeth. The first place only had a display model. So we went to a second place. I think she was hoping secretly that they wouldn't have it, so that she wouldn't have to indulge herself. Well they did, and she bought it. I'm here to tell ya that she is one satisfied coffee nerd. I think a lot of it has to do with the fact that she said "no" enough to herself, that this one simple yet extravagant indulgence holds a proportionately greater degree of satisfaction for her.
My sister Stacey is the same way. I think she has an easier time spending money on herself than Melissa. However she will be satisfied with her purchase, and not need to indulge excessively. Case in point, my sister has the same car that she purchased in 1999. It still runs. Admittedly she isn't a car person. However by saying "no" to buying a new car she has freed up money to put into savings, and purchase the occasional indulgence such as hanging out with friends of hers, or most recently ordering an iPad. If you read some of my sisters more "pleasant" Facebook postings, (haha Stace, I know you'll read the blog eventually), it's about enjoying a lot of the simpler things in life that don't require spending money all the time, or over indulging, just indulging a higher quality of life.
Perhaps to enjoy the simplicity of a happier life not rooted in over indulgence, my therapist, and I agree, I have to start saying "no" to some easy things that I KNOW I will do. To build a foundation, "brick by brick" of saying "no" and following through. I think for me this is partly what this blog is about. Though it is late this week I have been consistently since January 1st writing at least once a week, and this is something for me to be proud of. And I feel happier for having done it.
Until next Sunday.
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