I don't have a lot of time to post tonight, but I'm going to continue to talk about something that impacts everyone, fear. I'm going to re read what I say here tonight and continue on with it next week, and perhaps for many weeks after.
This weeks fear manifested itself in an e-mail I received from my assistant principal, needing to talk with me in the afternoon, after school. I saw that the principal had been cc'd on said e-mail. I was full of dread, because I know they were going to talk to me about something regarding my job performance. You see, I'm a really good teacher, but I'm not that great of a secretary/clerical specialist. Needless to say they see this as a lack of organization. Unfortunately for this career admin skills are considered critical. A teacher isn't really rated for their teaching ability, but more for their organizational ability. I'll talk more about this in another post. This is not an educational rant. So the short of it is I expected this to be a talk listing my organizational deficiencies, and because of such I'll be fired. You see if I'm fired then I'll be going back to where I was, jobless and broke, only this time in a terrible economy. I would not recover, and life would suck forever! You see with that mindset confidence in myself is completely negated. more about that later.
So anyway I kept eyeing the clock with dread, until 2:50. I thought I would pre-empt my principal by going to the assistant principals office immediately after school, because I knew my principal would be doing afternoon dismissal. Divide and conquer. Anyway my assistant principal was not prepared for my tactic and proceeded with the meeting. She wanted to know how I felt about self containing next year. For those of you unfamiliar it simply means that instead of teaching just science, I'll be teaching ALL of my homeroom students ALL of their subjects. That's right mom and Jen, I'll be teaching math! So I'm on board with this, and have been since the beginning of the year when I was telling my 5th grade department head that the direction elementary 5th grade in our district was to self contain. I could see this in the same way you look down a railroad track and see a distant light of a train getting closer and closer. Well this self containment train hasn't pulled into the station yet, but it's about to.
Well my AP who is an organizational guru, (I'm convinced somewhere in her office are MY educational records, long before she even knew me), is concerned that though I have made strong headway in my organizational skills, said skills may not be strong enough for the requirements ahead. I think she was trying to scare me off, but to my credit I know I can do this. Well the meeting ends with her letting me know that the principal would also like to talk with me. Yikes. In my mind this meeting was meant to soften the blow from when the principal would drop the axe on my head.
I left, but had to come back to the office to sign out for an appointment. In doing so I heard my AP and the principal talking. All I heard was her saying "he's confident about the self containing, but I don't share his confidence," then some garble, and then "discovery science." I left to go to the bathroom, and came back to the office. I saw my principal and thought, let's get this over with. So I asked if he needed to speak with me, and he said yes, but it would wait until tomorrow, because he wanted to talk with me about possibilities for next year. Yeah the possibility that I would be looking for new work next year. I proceeded to head to my therapists appointment. On the way I spoke with three friends, all women. Alison because she's a teacher, Jen because she has supervised people before, and has had to make staff changes, and my friend Melissa, who works in the school, and seems to know EVERYTHING going on there.
My therapist, Alison, Jen and Melissa said I didn't need to fear being fired, (yeah right). Each stated that based on their own reasoning. I have a pretty good intuitive mind, and I'm able to piece things together, it's from reading a lot of detective novels. I remembered hearing science discovery mentioned. This is a class that is taught to all of the grades in the same way music, p.e., and art are taught. It is to enrich students science experience. The great thing is that the class is largely fun and hands on. There isn't any real grading, no high stakes testing, no parents to deal with, and you get paid the same as a teacher. Hmmmm.
I put this theory past Jen and Melissa. Jen thought it might be valid, and maybe I'm destined to teach science. Melissa teaches across from science discovery, and true what I said earlier about her having her ear to the ground, stated that the teacher presently there may not be enjoying it as much as we think, and that she is pretty stressed out. I thought to myself that maybe since this teacher taught 4th grade self contained for a long time, then perhaps my principal wanted to plug her into my 5th grade spot, so as to utilize her experience, and plug me into the science discovery.
Well the next day I see the Principal. He's very complimentary about the progress I'e made, and he's very happy that I'm so enthusiastic about self containing, and the confidence I can do it. The possibility he wanted to, and did discuss with me for next year, me and the science discovery teacher switching spots next year. Melissa and I "nailed it." Though it isn't even close to a done deal yet, I said yes, my principal never saw me smile inwardly just once.
So what does the above story have to do with the theme of fear throughout my life. The short answer is that it has never been as big as I thought it was. More on that later.
On a positive note, I became an uncle this week. My step sister Alecia, and her husband Jeff welcomed their son, Harvey Rogue Fryman to the world at 12:58 p.m. CST on February 29th 2012. He is an awesome baby boy. He is very alert and looks at everything. There is a great pic of him being held by my mother, now known as Nana Judy. They are looking directly at each other, the look on his face is processing who this "one" is. The look on my moms face is priceless. I'll share the origin of Rogue's name later, as explained to me by his dad. It's pretty cool.
Best regards,
Dave
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